So, how's all that "nidra yoga" stuff going, anyhow?

It's been some weeks now, experimenting with this thing called "nidra yoga" or sleeping yoga. I wanted to take a moment with you all to update my journey with this new mind-body practice.

(To recap: Nidra Yoga is quite literally "yogic sleep," (Sanskrit) a form of meditation and deep relaxation. I became interested in it when reading an article (see link below) on it being used in midwifery in the UK in order to combat exhaustion and sleep deprivation in the midwives after a woman crashed her car and died.- She fell asleep at the wheel. The idea is that it is taking a moment (or specifically, about thirty minutes) to rest, to take inventory of our bodies and our beings and to use this awareness to achieve more of a sense of peace and calm while being in a neutral, resting state. It has shown great success not only in the realm of sleep deprivation but also in dealing with anxiety, depression, pain management, and some traumas.)

I am beginning to notice when I need a "recharge," as I think of these little sessions. I am becoming more aware of the sensations in my mind and my body as my day begins to wear on me, of how I become irritable and easily frustrated, of how I have a tendency to take a sharper tone when I speak, of how I react rather than respond, of how the things that I need to do are the last things that I want to do. That is the turning point in my day when I know that my choice is to take myself upstairs and "fortify" (as I think of it) or allow my day to continue the spiral descent it has begun.- Something no one around me wants. I think I have a tendency to be just as unkind to everyone around me as I am to myself when I am overdrawn.

In the beginning, I resented giving up thirty whole minutes of my day for something as "silly" as meditation. (I used to meditate regularly but as my life has become increasingly busy, it has fallen by the wayside entirely.) Now, I look forward to the time with myself. I enjoy the "coming down" feeling that seems to happen as I settle in. I can feel the stress and negativity drain out, pool in the floor, flow away from me and then it's just me there, with my breath and this strange sensation of swirling motion behind my eyes. Eventually even that goes away and it's almost like I've hit the pause button on life which I think, when my mind says "I don't want to be here anymore," (see: stress and depression are a terrible mix that can lead to terrible consequences) that that's what it means. It needs me to hit the pause button and clear out whatever is happening that's causing me distress. I feel like I should have known that at 38 years old but it's been these sessions that have taught me that "hitting the pause button" seems to do the trick when I feel like life is too hard.

The family has noticed a change in me, they say.  (And let's be honest, I want to say that I'm trying to be better for myself but the reality is, I am trying to be better for them.) They tell me that there is a marked difference between the mom who goes upstairs and the one who comes back down. I can feel the difference, sure, but I think it means so much more that what I am doing is having a positive impact on the people that I love. I can see the change between the day I  *was* having and the one that I, then, choose to have. I am still having a hard time falling asleep at night and waking up in the morning but I think that this has become a useful tool in deciding what my day will be, emotionally, and making that choice with not only myself in mind, but my kids. 

Sure, who wouldn't give thirty minutes a day to happier, healthier kids? 

Over the years, I've collected a lot of ideas on things, ideas that I liked but that did not necessarily make sense to me then or fit into my life.- Like when people tell you to choose happiness or choose health. If it was that simple, wouldn't we all do it?

...Wouldn't we?

I think one of the most valuable things to come out of this little experiment is feeling more like I have a choice in how my day goes. I have a choice in how I feel about my day, my life, my experiences, my people, and myself. It has caused me to be much more introspective about *why* I am feeling negative emotions- which has allowed me to have dialogue with myself about those feelings- and that dialogue has helped me to be more honest with myself about how to cope with my emotions- as well as how I allow those emotions to exist within as well as outside of me.

It's easy to say someone has a choice in how they're feeling but a different matter altogether for someone to actually realise that they do have a choice not only in how they feel but how they express their feelings.- And that they don't have to allow their emotions to run wild, ruling or even ruining their lives. Sleep deprivation is an ugly monster to have to live with and it's not one most of us can just hide in a closet. It effects our relationships with everyone around us as well as with ourselves and can make functioning almost impossible. I was a big believer in "there's nothing I can do" about my lack of sleep (and the consequences) but this new practice seems to make a difference.

I've been a practitioner of meditation off and on for years but I think that this particular "brand" of meditation has been a particularly healthy style for me. I find it to be energizing and calming, all at once, which is a new experience for me.- Or perhaps, it has just come along at the right time in my life. In any case, the proof is in the pudding (or just that I now have the patience to hear my children when they *ask* for pudding and the energy to go make it for them.)